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30 luglio When you do not believe in angels....When you do not believe in angels, an angels dies somewhere: had heard this line in a movie, some of you might even recognize it, it is from Peter Pan. I must have heard it when I was really old but wanted to believe in it like a five year old.
Today as I stay away from angel boy, I wonder what happened to my angel? The smoky bar, the bee gees brother dressed in flowing robs, the pool table and the techno lights took me away to the angel land. I walked empty feet, perched on the stool, tucked my leg and asked for my fruity drink and looked around for my angel boy.
But angel boy was not in that land. He must have taken the flight because I was here on land. 18 luglio A moment of transcendenceWhere is the heart located in the body? I often wonder. Had thought that thirty years of living would help me figure it out. I think it is somewhere in the chest where the biological heart is. Has to be because that is where it hurts the most. Why do I have to hurt to know where it is? But the hurt today comes with a realization, with a moment of transcendence.......
Yesterday my heart was like the pendulum, swining from one side to the other knocking me down everytime as I tried to find my way back home in the fading light. The tears came from now-where, was it the uphill climb or was it because my cell phone lay there quiet. And I knew why I felt like that, because my heart was beating.
And I also knew why my heart was beating, it was because it had attached itself to a face so sweet and kind. But then also came the moment of transcendence, the clouds disappeared and the heart spread its wing. So I stopped and looked around. It was till twilight and no one saw its radiance. Only I basked in its warmth. But then if I can feel like that, can others feel it too.
It is not the pain, it is the glory that matters, no matter what you tell me. The pain tells the story of a rising heart.......... 17 luglio Back....I turned thirty last Wednesday. I was born on a Wednesday so it was mystical [ or maybe mathematically] that my thirtieth birthday was on a wednesday. Have dreaded my birthday always, never saw a reason to be happy on that day. Why should I be happy on the day of my birth? There is no such rule around it. I have come to believe that on the day of your birth you should do what you want to do, even if it means to tuck yourself up in the bed. So that is what i wanted to do, see my favorite movie with a bag of chips and hershey's bar. But then friends started calling, friends from far and wide and then the magic caught on to me. So I partied, I asked people to stop by and we drank ourselves merry. I got drunk after a long time. I know I am drunk and in high spirits when I do not walk on the floor-I walk on furniture! Strange are the ways of the heart A call not returned, a call not answered, a call not communicated and a call unanticipated; as I sit alone I wonder why am I by myself when I could be one of them, know their face, the depth of the eyes, the slant of the nose yet do not know the heart - strange are the ways of my heart- closed now, open later and yet empty..... 06 giugno At your gate, hand raised ..to knockCan you hear me? the voice said in my head. I stood there outside your door. I did tell you that I would call you to tell you that I would stop by but I did not call. I did tell you I would leave a message but I did not ...
Reminds me of the Norah Jones song, " I waited till I saw the ________don't know why I did not come, I left you by the house of fun, don't know why I did not come, when I saw the break of day wished that I could fly away.....the heart is drenched in wine, you will be on my mind"...... 01 giugno Paakhi and the Angel BoyIf you see the face, you would not know the soul. But if you looked at the green eyes for a long time you would know that the soul was hurting. The calmness of the face hid the storm inside but the eyes gave it away. The boy with the angel face, my angel boy.
Do not remember the first day paakhi saw her angel boy, that was almost two years back. Walked into her office and there he was sitting in the desk behind hers. She preferred the office space to myself, did not like sharing. He seemed to have settled in quite well, the books, the peg on the wall to hang his coat and then the flag!!! The flag looked similar, orange and green and white. Never asked him the nationality of the flag.
Would know later, two years later lying next to him that the flag was Ireland's. Angel boy is Irish [ Did you know that the Irish had the lowest position in the hierarchy of european immigrants to the US. They were called the white niggers] A piece of history that paakhi and her angel boy would learn when sitting in a conference together. But even on that day neither paakhi nor angel boy would know that their paths were to cross soon, very soon.
now paakhi wondered what was the first day like? A small smile, a friendly nod. And the chairs remained, pointing opposite directions. They stayed like that until last year when paakhi was walking down the hallway and saw the familiar yellow page flier announcing defense dates with Angel boy's name on it.
Angel boy was defending his thesis. And he was also around the corner. Paakhi wanted to congratulate him for being at such an important cross road of his life, that she told him so. Angel boy was not, a troubled relationship, a sick mother. Things were not going fine. It was that moment when she noticed the green eyes for the first time. So the friendship started with paakhi asking angel boy about his mother. She was still very sick.
For the next one year, paakhi would not think of angel boy but she would smile everytime she saw him. She would see him running the tracks, walking out of the elevator, checking Indian restaurants with his girlfriend and every time would want to go to him, only to say hello. She so loved the angel face, wanted to take the boy home. For paakhi angel boy was the kid waiting anxiously as he was flying alone that night.
Some one must have been listening. A going away party and angel boy was paakhi's ride. In the party, paakhi and angel boy spoke to each other from across the room. No words only a smile. People asked paakhi if angel boy was her date. No, only my ride, replied paakhi. Angel boy told paakhi, have a blast, i am covering your back. The people had thinned out. The TV was showing a game of basket ball. Paakhi and Angel boy sat there watching the game and the silence continued, but today their chairs were not facing opposite directions.
A day later there was dinner at his home, angel boy had invited paakhi to share the 'soul food' he had picked up from a jazz concert. Sitting in the dim light of the lamp eating her chicken next to her angel boy, listening to the greencards singing 'The Ghost who we are', paakhi finally was on that flight with him. He was not travelling alone, atleast not tonight.
29 maggio Now playing 703 pm a sunny eveningHeart shines like a neon sign
For tonight won't you just be mine Invisible girl, in the sodium light She's the Queen of the Night................(Source: The Invisible Girl....by Minnie Driver)
26 maggio He came to me
He came to me when my heart was taking a break from feeling, so it stayed there curled up and quiet as the evening passed by. Now he is gone and my eyes search for him, the heart does too.
If he is back will my heart kwow what to say? Shape of My Heart: Sting...must listen....."Shape Of My Heart" He deals the cards as a meditation And those he plays never suspect He doesn't play for the money he wins He doesn't play for the respect He deals the cards to find the answer The sacred geometry of chance The hidden law of probable outcome The numbers lead a dance I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier I know that the clubs are weapons of war I know that diamonds mean money for this art But that's not the shape of my heart He may play the jack of diamonds He may lay the queen of spades He may conceal a king in his hand While the memory of it fades I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier I know that the clubs are weapons of war I know that diamonds mean money for this art But that's not the shape of my heart That's not the shape, the shape of my heart And if I told you that I loved you You'd maybe think there's something wrong I'm not a man of too many faces The mask I wear is one Those who speak know nothing And find out to their cost Like those who curse their luck in too many places And those who fear are lost I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier I know that the clubs are weapons of war I know that diamonds mean money for this art But that's not the shape of my heart That's not the shape of my heart 24 maggio All that you want and all that you needWhen you want something, it comes to you. Let me say it again, when you want something really bad, as in when your heart desires and your mind ponders it comes to you. This is the lesson that I have learnt in the last one year of my life.
Ironic, that the lesson comes at a time as I turn thirty, crossed three deacades of living. That is a lot of living.
But yes going back to what I was saying, when you want something, it comes to you. Did I hear it on TV or read it in a book that be careful what you wish for because it will happen to you.
I yearned for a life in a foreign country, an unknown place and I got it. I asked for a one-night stand to make up for a life time and I got that too. I asked for companionship, a warm body, a kind heart and soft eyes, I got that too. Strange, how I never asked for love? 18 maggio Had the strangest day.....Have you had one of those days ?when the spectacular happens....
when you get up in the morning and the past seems blurred,
when you ask the quesiton who am I? where am I going,
when you are a bundle of emotions,
when the sky is overcast with clouds one minute and the next moment the rays of the sun chases all the darkness,
when you open a door from the past and find what was on the other side in the present,
when some one on your mind makes the call,
when you feel your heart is soaring high and you start the music and match it with your steps,
when you think it is a day of the impossible becoming possible and you look at your cell phone that has been lying dead for the last one month and you clasp the battery on again and it breathes back into life!!!!
15 maggio Glitter in the DustJoanne wanted so much to wear her red lipstick, her flashy heels and run to the mansion. She could hear the tinkling of glasses and see the white spread on the table. She remembered standing afar soaking it all in till her gaze fell on John. He stood in his pin stripped suit in the middle of the frame. She remembered it all but what holds her back today? Should she go or she should she stay? Should she collect the glitter in the dust? .... lest it gets washed away by the rain All on boarddear monsoon,
You say you worry about me. Do not worry. I have found the secret of life, love more and more. There will be rejection then there will be discoveries. There will be gratification and there will be numbness. And then there will be peace. The whole life lies in you if only you can close your eyes and suck it all in, can you?
Every night I die and then everyday I wake to a new discovery. It is all good, the journey is short so keep your eyes and heart open. Love that you are part of the journey as well.
love, paakhi 10 maggio The Letter with no namesdearest _______,
I know it has been a while since i have written to you. I do not have much to say about myself except that i am nearing a cross road in my life. I will be thirty soon but that is not what bothers me. I am completing five years in the program. my progress has been reasonable, I have my prelims out of the way, have my candidacy, now have to defend my thesis. But that is not what bothers me either.
It is the steps that i have to take in the next couple of months that has kept me thinking.
What i do and achieve in the next couple of weeks will decide my life. i will have to take charge, if i continue living here then maybe i will go to a new city, make a life of my own. i do not even see myself with anyone. i am all by myself, of course except for Ma and _____. Jaani na it is a strange feeling, as if all that i have wanted in my life so far is out there for me if only i find the courage to step out and grab it. The last couple of days has been that- trying to step out.
I have strange dreams at night, have a lot of dialogue with myself when i chant. Now i have a different kind of prayer; i pray to know my life, for the doors of my life to open. It has brought upon me strange things.
A student from one of the classes that i had taken in 2004 wrote to me asking me how i was doing, that he had not seen me in a while!!!!! I remember our talks after the class was over, sometimes he would walk me back to my office. There was a mutual liking. And then he told me he is getting married that summer. He is writing to me two years later, asking how I was doing? I am not even tangentially connected to him anymore..............
I met _____ today as well, he has shaved his head completely, amai ekta bear hug diye bolle so when are we hanging out. If he had asked me this six mths back i would have been delighted. Today, i shrugged and told him, maybe soon.
But the last straw was when on my way back from school i met another old friend, ____. He is this tall lanky guy in our dept, who supposedly had a crush on me. We both know that we know about his crush and my silence on the matter. But niceness never went away. Today I came to know that he is dating a white girl and not so coincidentally who lives in the same floor as me!!!!
And so I came home and did not know what to make of it. So I called Nav. Have I told you about Nav? Ok, he is panjabi and wears glasses. He is nice. well, polite and sensitive and things like that- i told him let us meet as friends and be friends and not really worry about the whole marriage thing ( met him through a marriage thing). I really want to be a friend, so much so that want to find a girl for him, if he does not like me enough to marry me. MY roomie thinks I am being pathetic about looking for a girl for him. So I keep telling him if there is a girl on campus that you like let me know. He does not know what to say. AM sure he thinks I am joking. He has called me back couple of times and we have talked. When i told him about my practice he was quite, when i told him about papa he said i was 'bold', i think he meant strong. But i still drop his calls, hide behind emails. we have still not talked about our families. i want to be his friend but at the same time there is this strange reluctance. i fear he will remind me that i am not the kind for ___________ of this world. I want him to tell him about _______, want him to fall in love with his innocence, his stammering, his wit and his smile. And then I feel I am asking too much? I want to be his friend, not his soul mate. But it is good we started as friends. That way it will hurt less.
I still think about ______, but not like I used to earlier. I send him an email once a month, some time twice,he replies to only one of them. It is an attempt to keep him in my life somehow I know that it is less about him than about what he represents- the might have been sceanario. But don't we carry all the people that we have met in us. So this is how I think, i carry him simply because he happens to be there.
So I guess I am getting to know thyself getting to know my life inspite of the crazy hours of work.........
Today it has rained a little bit. It is cloudy. The woods opposite my house is lush green, after a leafless winter it feels nice to see the trees full of leaves. Kolkata'r gorer maather katha mone pore jai. No ________, we have not grown apart. I can never grow apart from you- you know me.....all of me rather most of me. I want you to be very happy in life and i know you will be .............send me some of your writings.
love ___________
________________________________________________________ So take these words and sing out loud 02 maggio Breeze not the WindTook me a little bit of courage but still opened the door for the wind to come in and take the staleness away from the dusty, dark room. First few minutes, there was no sign of the wind. Waited in anticipation and then a small breeze found its way through the slightly parted doors. It did not take the smell away only a little flicker of the curtains. I patted my back, well done paakhi, but then it was only the breeze not the wind.....so why am I happy? so why can I feel the lump in my throat? so why is the room still so stale and cold? 01 maggio The day Nav came homeI put my insecurities in a box and locked it in the closet. I washed my hair and wore my favorite ear rings. It was raining lightly. My hair frizzled and curled up. But today I liked them. I had told myself that I would enjoy the day. Not let any dark thoughts cloud my mind, even while it spoiled my hair.
I told myself that today was not the day to test the ulterior motive of the meeting; to marry, to procreate, to buy the first house, to fight over the side of the bed. It was a day to know one more person. It would not be too difficult for he sounded like a nice person, his voice mild, apologetic and kind.
The phone rang and I was not even ready. He was trying to figure a place to park his car. I asked him to wait. I would come and fetch him. So it was going to be awkward after all. But today I will smile my smile and do my do.
As I walked to the car I knew he could see me while he was a sillhouette. I neared the car and saw his face. He is so fair. I do not like fair people. No, I like them, just feel as if they have a power over me. It is no coincidence that the white people of the world rule it. No one takes me seriously when I say I do not like white people, but what I really mean is that there is some connection with the fairness of skin and power. But today is not the day.
So I hop into the car and both of us figure out a place to park. As I do that, there is a call at the back of my brain. Have to take the call. He is the crush that I had when in school. Fair, tall, nerdy with glasses (and punjabi of course). So I have reached the end of the circle. Still seating next to a crush that seemed so out of reach. But today I was going to think differently.
So the evening rolled on. I too rolled my eyes, folded my legs and was surprised with all that he told me. Showed him the spectacular view from my balcony, compared lives and made chai.
The pleasantries continued with a change of the venue, our favorite thai place in town. It was going to be his first time eating Thai. Good: I told him, that way you cannot really forget me. I was already talking in past tense, but ..
Then there were questions, so what is your year of birth? do you plan to go back or stay? Did I see a contour shift in his face? If only I could read my mind. But today I cannot read my mind either.
Then there was helping me pour the chai in the cup. Wanting to pay the cheque. We were in the same city for three years, took the metro to go to work. I did too, to go to college. So we were in the city at the same time, how is it that we did not meet? So he has a sense of humour
The evening came to an end, with Nav losing his way driving back home. He found it so funny that he called to say he was lost all this while. And I already like him. But today was a day to know another person, no ifs and no buts, just a day to know
Where do you go when you are lonely?Dancin' where the stars go blue Dancin' where the evening fell Dancin' in my wooden shoes In a wedding gown Dancin' out on 7th street Dancin' through the underground Dancin' little marionette Are you happy now? Where do you go when you're lonely Where do you go when you're blue Where do you go when you're lonely I'll follow you When the stars go blue Laughing with your pretty mouth Laughing with your broken eyes Laughing with your lover's tongue In a lullaby Where do you go when you're lonely Where do you go when you're blue Where do you go when you're lonely I'll follow you When the stars go blue The stars go blue, stars go blue 26 aprile Lights will guide you homeWhen you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse When the tears come streaming down your face When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you High up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go If you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face And I... Tears stream down on your face I promise you I will learn from the mistakes Tears stream down your face And I... Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you Song: I will fix you.........cold play Reality knocksThat which is real and that which is not. How would you know the difference? I do not really like him, I do not really want to be with him...we have nothing in common, he prefers pretty girls......it would never work....i know that for real but .....then what about the time when he paid for my burrito, when we smiled at each other across the room and when we found peace talking about other people...was that not for real or was it imagined....but it happened  |
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